wow...i dont even know what the hell im writing here it just...its almost four in the morning and i know i should be going to sleep because i gotta get up in like five hours...more or less cuz i have to watch allen which i love doing. but i donno...i guess im just in one of those moods again but i dont know why. Another one of my bipoloar moods again i guess cuz i have no reason to feel like this....theres no reason for me to be sitting here thinking about going to the kitchen an getting a knife, knowing i wont really do anything with it but just to feel it in my hand an stare at it...i dont cut...i never have but...i just theres a small voice in my head that says 'do it...cut yourself for fucks sake, do it god damn it....just fuckin...just do it' but i dont...because i dont have any reason to cut myself...so why the hell am i telling myself to?
i guess its just something else i dont understand about myself...my emotions were always confusing an no matter what i cant understand them and yet...i can turn around and dissect other peoples emotions, i can always go though an pick out things an explain them an then explain how they're acting an why
my head hurts...im getting another fuckin head ach...which seems to be happing a lot, maybe im thinking to much or too hard? who the hell knows...
i think about derek a lot...an sometimes i forget im wearing a ring untill i look down at my hand or it jabs me when im scratching my back or when it catches on my shirt...i donno i guess im so used to the weight now that i dont realize its there...but i think about derek...about him holding me, nuzzling into my hair an then playfully complaining that its gonna choke him, even though my hairs short now...and i think about how he kisses me, bits my lip, his hands always sneaking under my shirt every time, unless their on my waist or sliding down my legs...an my skin tingles at the thought...i miss his large hands on me, his strong arms wrapped around me, his nose against my shoulder or pressed against my neck...his hand holding mine, the feeling of laying against him when he plays xbox, or laying between his legs while watching a movie...the way he says 'i love you' or when he meows at me, or purrs in my ear...the way he reminds me to eat healthier so that i'll stop complaining about being a fat ass, even though he loves me th way i am, chubby belly an large ass included...the way he reacts when i nibble his ear, or bite his neck...or the way he presses against me from behind when im standing around doing nothing an kisses my neck, telling me how sexy i am...or the way he'll randomly grab my ass an it makes me squeak/squeal each time...
i think about krista sometimes...an how she'd yell at me that her names not krista any more its 'kristina' cuz krista was her "slave" name...sorry bitch imma call you kirsta weather you like it or not cuz thats the name i've known you by since the beginning of high school...but...i just feel...everythings falling apart between us...like she says she doesnt want to loose me as a friend...as a sister but shes pushy..and while i love her to death i just feel like she's trying to control me for some reason...i feel like she's trying to live though me or some shit and its hard to explain or even deal with because i cant just tell her to stop or to quiet bossing me around because i really dont want to loose her as a friend...we're supposed to be together forever...til were white in the hair an yelling at kids to get off our damn lawns...or fighting behind a dumpster fighting over a half eatten chicken nugget an a slice of cheese...i want to go back to freshman an sophomore year...where we were just really good friends, having sleep overs, watching anime, drawing or talking about stories...now when ever i've talked to her on the phone its always her complaining about her brother an her mom an grandma an me sitting there listening an going along with it...i mean...is that really what we've come to? Just complaining about shit now? i mean...we cant even talk online any more...i get on as invisible because all she wants to do is RP...dont get me wrong, i love RPing, i rp every day but...the type of RP she wants to do is us as our online selves in an anime or a comic or a game or whatever, with characters...and while that might have been fun years ago when i didnt know about rping OCs an shit then i would be fine with that...but its gotten boring, and i've tried to tell her but the most i could tell her was that i didnt want to do sex rp all the time which she was okay with...but then i came out an told her i didnt want to talk to her every day an she told me that it felt like she was just slapped in the face....i mean wow...way to fuckin guilt trip me just like my mom used to do....i mean damn, sorry i dont want to fuckin talk to you every second of the day that im online or that your online...i know i sound like a hipocrit or something because saying i dont want to talk to her every day basically is saying i dont want to rp with her every day but i'll turn around and i'll rp with a few other people every day and i dont know why...maybe because the RPs im doing with them are of a Univers that is mostly made up, or its strictly all OCs or just recently, its of homestuck with a majority of fantroll/characters and some really good people who play the cannons really well...but....i donno i feel like her clingingy-ness of not wanting to loose me as a bestfriend/sister is just making me pull away even more because i want space an shit...i dont know its hard to say since i haven't talked to her in about a month an shes basically given up trying to contact me as far as i can tell since i dont get msgs from her on FB or dA at all....so i donno...maybe she's making more friends down in TN or something...i dont know. I want her to make friends cuz i know i've been making new friends here online an i'm having so much fun but...in the back of my head im like 'i wish i could have this much fun with my sister' but i know i cant :/ because shes ...i donno what/who/where she is right now...and its hard to admit this but i just...i dont even care why she hasn't contacted me...like i love her an she'll always be apart of my life but sometimes theres going to be those days/months/years where you dont talk to each other an thats alright because you know you'll have shit to talk about when you meet up again or when you talk to each other again
but yeah...i guess i'll end here cuz its five after four an i should really get some sleep....comment if you want i dont care *shrugs* i'm not counting on it anyway cuz i know y'all dont read my journals...night
